The Cross,Grief and Christmas in Heaven

I'm not gonna lie. This Christmas season has proven to be extremely difficult!
One night last week I finally fell apart! 
I was crying to Joel, telling him how frustrating it is to me that I don't feel the Christmas Spirit this year, how I was dreading to face Christmas without dad and everything else that looked so horrible to me that night.
I was stretched,with way more than my weak self wanted to handle.
And those are the nights when grief seems to hit hard!

For so long I'd been thinking about Christmas and how it's going to be without dad, but I was able to kind of push it to the back of my mind.Now here we were, two weeks away from it and it hit me full force that this Christmas is going to be so different!

I'm usually one who LOVES Christmas! I like to pack our weeks with making chocolates and going to local nativity scenes or driving through lights.
I'm about making traditions with the family.
And I know, Christmas isn't about chocolates and lights and passing out goody plates, but it's fun, it adds to the spirit of Christmas.
But this year, EVERYTHING I was doing was taking much,much more effort. I just couldn't handle the stress of even the simplest things! And I was not okay with that.

 To top it off, in the few weeks before that I just felt like God was so far away. Or...more like I was so far away from God.I prayed but it seemed my prayers didn't go far.I wanted so much just to feel His presence. So one day I just kind of told God where I was at. I don't remember my prayer exactly but I think I asked to feel His presence.

I need Him.I wanted Him.

And God came through, just like he always does.

That night while I was laying there in grief, I was looking at the door leading to the bathroom, and I saw a perfect cross. It's been there all along,and maybe I noticed it before, but not like I did that night! God touched my heart.That cross to me meant Jesus.God's presence.God was showing me that even though Christmas seems kind of unChristmasy this year, I can still have Christmas in my heart.

And Christmas really is about The Cross! About what Jesus did for us.

This Christmas I'm especially thankful that Jesus was born and that we can have eternal life because of the cross!

And as I think of dad spending Christmas in heaven, I just wonder what it will be like.I know his Christmas is going to be a Christmas like he's never had before! Really, I think it's Christmas in Heaven year round! I know he's having a wonderful time like he's never had before! And I am so happy for him. So even though he will be missed this Christmas, I couldn't wish him back!

Merry Christmas to all of you! And let's remember, it's about the cross!

The Baby is 2!

We don't like to skip a birthday celebration, because around here birthdays here are a celebration of life.

But holiday birthdays can be an even bigger challenge to pull off! Here in our house we have two holiday birthdays. Joel is a Christmas baby.Yes, he is that special! ;) And Madi's birthday falls right around Thanksgiving and occasionally on the day. 

This year Thanksgiving found us headed to Ohio to spend the holiday with the Mast side of the family. We are quite a crowd anymore.There is definitely no lack of noise and action, at least on the children's part! ;) ;) 

This is all 4o something of us.

But like I was saying, we had a birthday to celebrate.Madi's 2 year mark was coming up.So the day after Thanksgiving we threw a little party for her.

If there ever was a child that loved life and all it's goodness, it's our Madi. She is such a ball of energy and full of mischief, but so much fun and giggles all at the same time! 

She is a lover of anything sweet, you name it.If it has sugar, good chance she might take it. 

She also loves bananas and oranges and grapes.

You try to get her to eat soup and that can be almost an impossibility at times!

Candy is still her favorite!

One night at 2:00 AM, I found this cute,mischievous,ball of energy in the kitchen, standing on the counter trying to get into the candy jars on top the fridge (and yes, you read right, that was 2:00 AM!) 

She definitely doesn't leave us lacking for action!

She loves her daddy, the outdoors, the chickens and the cats.

Her big siblings are her heros. 

She runs to Hailey if she wants to be pitied :) It really is so cute.Hailey is like a second mommy to her. But Madi also takes advantage of that and demands that Hailey fix her blanket, or  holds her hand or tickle her feet! :) I think they will be best friends in a few years.

She also loves to pray! Almost every night she wants to "pay" (pray). She then squeezes her eyes shut and whispers a  prayer for "mommy,dayee (daddy),Haya (Hailey) ,Bax (Braxton),Me (herself) :) " and then ends it with a hearty "min"(amen).

We can't imagine life without this little girl.As busy as she keeps us, we are still very thankful for her presence in our life. 

Sometimes when I'm weary of all the busyness and lots of times naughtiness right along with it :),  the thought just crosses my mind that I am so thankful that she is a healthy little girl with the ability to get around the way she does, even though it drains every good thing right out of me at times! :)

So my dear Madi girl, may you always face life with such energy and spunk! Someday I know that will be of good use to you :) We love you dearly.

Hey Dad,

I miss you.

This morning I would love to call you.

I'd love to hear your voice.

I'd love to hear you give me advice! (imagine that! :) :) )

The unfairness of life suddenly hit me... really hard.

I'm thinking you would probably tell me that's just how life is.

Life isn't always fair.

But I would still just really want to hear you say that...in person.

I know the things we face in life are always for our good.

Even if we don't see it.

They better us.Eventually.If we let them.

I got to watch you "handle life."

I got to watch you walk through the unfair things.

Really,really unfair things.

You did it with such grace and humbleness.

 I know that you did it with God.

Your life proves to me that it's possible.

So,I'm going to keep trying.

I'm going to try to accept the the unfairness...with grace and humbleness,just like you did.

To be perfectly honest,there's days when I totally don't want to try.

There's days I want to be ugly.

Days like today.

But I'm going to reach out to God.

 That's what you did.

And it worked.

I love you dad.I love the example you set for us.

Hailey has been talking about visiting your grave.

Remember how I told you she was so bummed that we won't see you at Christmas?

Well,she's accepting the fact that we won't see you in person,but she's really excited about visiting your grave. She's mentioned it the last two days now.

I'm sure we'll put on some pretty flowers.Not that you were really a flower guy or anything like that :)

 But it's therapy.

Making your grave look nice.

 It's something we love to do.

Because you deserve it.

Anyway,that's all for now.

I'm gonna go try to be mature and quit my pity party... just

like you'd want me to do :) :) and realize that life isn't fair.It never will be.

I think of you often! When I look at the beautiful clouds.

And I just think about how you get to see God do all of these wonderful things,how he commands the rain,and the storms,and everything beautiful that happens down here.

And I'm so happy that you get to enjoy all of that beauty and love!

Love ya always!

Living in the Moment

We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch
As it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterdays gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Hold tight to the sound of the music of living
Happy sounds from the laughter of children at play
Hold my hand as we walk through the sweet fragrant meadows
Making memories of what was today.

Tiny voice that I hear is my little girl calling
For daddy to hear just what she has to say
My little boy running there by the hillside 
may never be quite like today.

Tender words,gentle touch and a good cup of coffee
And someone who loves me and wants me to stay
Hold them dear,while they're near and don't wait for tomorrow
To look back and wish for today.

Yesterdays gone and tomorrow may never come.But we have this moment,today.

Lately I have been feeling the need to slow down.To be present for the moment. 

I saw a quote the other day that said "wherever you are, be all there." 

Sometimes I am so guilty of only giving half of my attention to the person present with me. "mama,mama, answer me! I asked you three times already.mama?!" - Sound familiar?

Maybe I'm answering that text, or taking this call or maybe I'm checking facebook.Maybe it's balancing the checkbook or making the grocery list.I might be in the middle of getting supper on the table or wiping yet another spill.Or the house is upside down and it just has to be cleaned up...NOW.

Nothing wrong with any of those things and sometimes it really does have to be answered or cleaned now.

But God has been convicting me to get my priorities straight. To understand what needs to be done this minute and what on my list can actually wait.

Maybe that game of UNO with the children or the book that baby wants read to her NOW, or the neighbor that could use a little cheer,or the errand hubby really needs you to run, is more important and more kingdom worthy than a clean house or a supper served on time :)

Maybe you could say God is really convicting me. He's helping me see that in all of my "busy-ness" and stress I forget the really important things in life.

Sometimes I forget that I will never be able to live this day again. This minute,this second I will never get back.I may never live to see tomorrow.

When God convicts me I feel I need to take action. 

So here's to intentionally slowing down,kicking back and living in the moment.

I won't regret it.My family won't regret it.

God bless you all with a wonderful weekend!

Life

Life is not waiting for the storm to pass,

but learning to dance in the rain!

happy wednesday everyone!

(notice i didn't say happy humpday...oops, now i said it!)

Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

i'm sitting here. the house is quiet. the children are sleeping and i've been thinking of you so much!

the last few evenings i've missed you extra much. when I start thinking about how I can never pick up the phone and talk to you again...ever! it just sends a deep ache of missing you. i think of everything we won't get to do with you anymore.and it hurts.deeply.

i know you would have been thrilled to see braxton and his over the top excitement on entering first grade.he loves it.

every now and then he'll make a remark of something he can't tell you.

the other week he told me he wishes we could "die and go to heaven,die and go to heaven,die and go to heaven then come straight back down to earth."

what he was really saying is he would love to come see you but then he'd like to come right back.he loves his earthly life to much to think about staying in heaven forever :)

i knew you would get a kick out of that childish innocence.

hailey is growing into a real little lady. you should see her be a "mom" to madi.she loves madi! but she's pretty sure she doesn't want us to have another baby because then i'd have to take care of it.

she's scared of being deprived even more of her "mom time." :)

and she still talks about how we won't be able to see you at christmas. that was a big bummer to her because she was really excited about that!

it's a bummer to all of us!

and madi, well,for some reason i know without a doubt in my mind that you would sit back and laugh at how "harried" she makes me somedays!

she won't be left behind on anything.one moment she is so stinkin' sweet and the next moment...she's that stinkin' bad! :) aggressive is how someone described her. i'm pretty sure that fits her well.

yesterday out in that boat, we had to keep ahold of her.she would have got really close to taking a dive right into that lake!not much scares her.but one thing she doesn't like is height.

and yes, she still has her nippy! i know you teased me that 6 months was long enough for the "paci". but hey, you gotta do whatcha gotta do! :)

at the beginning of the year i chose "God is bigger than all my problems" as my theme song for the year, and you know dad...i had no idea!,i never even dreamt that God was gonna send us a "mountain" like he did.

losing you was such a blow.but like that song says, i know God is still bigger!

there is so much i would love to tell you.

i feel like i'm cheated.cheated of my time with you.and sometimes when i think of you,it hits me again.and i cry.i know crying is good.but it won't bring you back.i wish it would!

sometimes when me and joel are talking ,time and time again we say  "i just can't believe it!I can't believe he's gone"

it doesn't seem real.

the fact that your gone.

we loved you so much!

we miss you.we always will.joel says our life will never be the same.and i know that's true!

but i just want you to know that we will be ok. all of us. mom is being so strong and i'm so proud of her. she misses you dreadfully.but someday...someday i know we will see you again!

i know without a doubt in my mind that you are enjoying heaven to the absolute fullest! 

and i can't wish you back,because of the joy i know you are living.

i'll stop for now.i'll write to you again sometime.

i'll always love you!

~staci

The Days of Learning

The first day of school finally came. I had a son who was counting down the days.

Yes, we have a son who is in First Grade. As hard as this is for me to believe, it is a fact.
Our first born is old enough for first grade!

6 years ago this day seemed like a life time away.But it happened...just like that! The baby days are over for this boy :) 

He's had a great first two weeks. He loves learning, this boy of mine. It's exciting for me to see him catch on to stuff :) 

He's in first grade with 4 other boys. I can't imagine the riot their teacher faces day after day. A good riot I might add. A funny riot. A wild,full of life riot.

And she's the perfect teacher for a class like this.Patient,kind,fun.Experiments and projects of every kind.

Everyone of the 5 boys had a camo themed back pack.They're a cute bunch! :)

Here's to hoping for a wonderful first year of school for our first born!

May I be a mother that stands beside him in the hard times, encourages him on in the new things and never,ever lets him give up.

             

I love you Braxton!

The Day God Took My Daddy...

... is a day I may never understand!

The phone ringing at 4:00 AM startles you awake so fast! Especially when you see the caller is your mother! I cannot even remember all the thoughts that ran through my mind, but in my "awaken out of sleep stupor" I answered the phone and the words I heard next turned my world upside down.

Hearing my mother at the other end, heart broken, sobbing and saying "I think Daddy died" sent my soul and body into shock and unbelief!
What? What do you mean? My dad? Are you sure!? All of these were questions that raced through our numb minds.
The next few hours were spent, scurrying to pack as fast as our shocked bodies would allow us, stopping every now and then to cry it out and finally at 8:00 we hit the road to Texas...a long 16 hour drive ahead. (I must say, that drive went by so fast.I think we didn't want to believe what happened but knowing what we were going to face made the time go by way to fast!)

All the way down I was wishing I would suddenly jerk awake, awake from a horrible dream, wishing I would wake up in my bed and heave a sigh of relief that it was only a dream! ...But it wasn't.

We arrived in Texas Saturday night, sometime after 11 PM. That night already found us collecting clothes to dress dad for the funeral. Exhausted, shocked and emotionally spent ,we finally drifted off for a few hours of sleep before we started all the funeral preparations!

I have never in my whole life realized how a death in the family can leave you so broken - physically, mentally and emotionally. It's like the life is completely drained out of you. What seemed so important at one time, suddenly holds no value! You wrestle and wonder if you will ever be able to enjoy life to the fullest again? 

There will always be a hole where dad belongs. In my deepest heart of hearts I know God's grace is sufficient and He will see us through.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Isaiah 43:2

This verse blessed me. 

At the same time, there's times when I just want to wallow in fear and doubt. We could be angry.Sometimes we want to be angry! Sometimes I'd like to be able to ask God what he was thinking!? We still needed our dad!! We wanted him!!

But I know Dad would tell us "stay faithful." And that's what I want to do. I want to stay faithful to the One who holds our tomorrows.

I want to have a heart of compassion for people. I want to be concerned for peoples' destiny. I want to tell people about Jesus, just like my daddy did. 

Daddy died young. But in his short 53 years he lived a life that was fulfilling and pleasing to his maker! I'm sure he has a crown with lots of jewels! He touched many lives. So many people were blessed by him.

Those we love don't go away,

they walk beside us everyday...

unseen,unheard, but always near,

still loved,still missed

and very dear.

We loved our daddy and he loved us. Him and mama had a relationship some people could only dream of. Not perfect, but full of love and respect for each other. Every day that it was possible they sat down after dad came home and drank coffee together...and chatted. I think those memories are so neat!

We gave them a hard time about their coffee "addiction." But it was good, very special that they had those times together!

Maybe later I will share some more of the things, that looking back on them seem God was preparing us ahead of time for life after dad's death.

For now we are missing our daddy/ husband/ Pa Pa. The dad that was so loving and kind to us.The husband that loved our mom! And the grandpa that loved to play with and spoil his grandchildren. We as a family were so blessed to have him a part of us...He will always be a part of us. 

He left a good example for us to follow.  

Today I want to go on. I want to accept the plan God has for me. I want God to use me in the midst of the pain and grief I face. I want to think of the hard days I face as "growing" days.Days where I grow to be more like Christ.I want to understand and accept that God has a reason for taking our dad so soon. My goal is to live my life for Christ. I want Him to shine through me.And if I'm faithful, I know that someday I will see my daddy again!

Here's a poem, not one my dad wrote but the words are words I can imagine him saying. And for his sake, I'm happy he's free.

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God has laid you see

I took His hand when I heard Him call

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day

to laugh,to love,to work, to play

Tasks left undone must stay that way

I found that peace at the close of the day

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief

Don't lengthen it now with undo grief

Lift up your hearts and peace to thee

God wanted me now, He set me free.

We'll always love you Dad!

Yes, She's Still a Princess...

Today I'm going to share with you, nothing profound, maybe not even inspiring...but a little humorous. I found a book at the library that TOTALLY describes my Princess H. (and maybe her mommy just a little bit.)

Hailey has been a tomboy from the start.

Till she was maybe 3? she had almost no hair for pretty little clip in bows. She would wear the headbands for a little while, but even those were not her thing, like they are to so many other  little girls.

She prefers trucks and trees over dolls and tea cups.

She likes a little frills and lace every now and then, but like me, it just doesn't come natural for her. We tend to choose comfort over beauty :) :) High heels and fancy just doesn't do it for us.

We like pink, but yellow and orange do just as well for us.

But we are still Princesses. Not the Cinderella kind, but still a princess of sort.

We love to be doted on by our Prince Charming, dad to her, husband to me.
Flowers and chocolate make us smile.

So here's her story - and mine ;)

Not All Princesses Dress in Pink

Not all Princesses dress in pink.Some play in bright red socks that stink, blue team jerseys that don't quite fit,accessorized with a baseball mitt,

and a sparkly crown.

Some princesses when they choose, never pick out fancy shoes,but soccer cleats for outdoor sports with shin guards and some baggy shorts,

and a sparkly crown.

Some princesses roll around, wrestling on the muddy ground, then get right up to skip and dance in tattered, stained and muddy pants,

and a sparkly crown.

Some princesses wear their jewels while fixing things with power tools,saw,screwdriver,hammer,drill, they wear with pride each greasy spill

and a sparkly crown.

Some princesses break their nails planting flowers into pails,driving dump trucks, moving dirt,dressed in an extra large hand-me-down-shirt

and a sparkly crown.

Some princesses like to pedal wearing lots of shiny metal; helmet on head, and body armor,so that nothing bad can harm her

or her sparkly crown.

Then after a great victory lap (followed by a well earned nap), to the ball these princesses run, wearing no pink gown, not one!

 They waltz in red, fox trot in blue, they reel in plaid and polka dots too. And in those grand and fancy halls, one even hip hops in her overalls - and a very sparkly princess crown.

This book was written by ~ Jane Yolen & Heidi E. Y. Stemple