I'm not gonna lie. This Christmas season has proven to be extremely difficult!
One night last week I finally fell apart!
I was crying to Joel, telling him how frustrating it is to me that I don't feel the Christmas Spirit this year, how I was dreading to face Christmas without dad and everything else that looked so horrible to me that night.
I was stretched,with way more than my weak self wanted to handle.
And those are the nights when grief seems to hit hard!
For so long I'd been thinking about Christmas and how it's going to be without dad, but I was able to kind of push it to the back of my mind.Now here we were, two weeks away from it and it hit me full force that this Christmas is going to be so different!
I'm usually one who LOVES Christmas! I like to pack our weeks with making chocolates and going to local nativity scenes or driving through lights.
I'm about making traditions with the family.
And I know, Christmas isn't about chocolates and lights and passing out goody plates, but it's fun, it adds to the spirit of Christmas.
But this year, EVERYTHING I was doing was taking much,much more effort. I just couldn't handle the stress of even the simplest things! And I was not okay with that.
To top it off, in the few weeks before that I just felt like God was so far away. Or...more like I was so far away from God.I prayed but it seemed my prayers didn't go far.I wanted so much just to feel His presence. So one day I just kind of told God where I was at. I don't remember my prayer exactly but I think I asked to feel His presence.
I need Him.I wanted Him.
And God came through, just like he always does.
That night while I was laying there in grief, I was looking at the door leading to the bathroom, and I saw a perfect cross. It's been there all along,and maybe I noticed it before, but not like I did that night! God touched my heart.That cross to me meant Jesus.God's presence.God was showing me that even though Christmas seems kind of unChristmasy this year, I can still have Christmas in my heart.
And Christmas really is about The Cross! About what Jesus did for us.
This Christmas I'm especially thankful that Jesus was born and that we can have eternal life because of the cross!
And as I think of dad spending Christmas in heaven, I just wonder what it will be like.I know his Christmas is going to be a Christmas like he's never had before! Really, I think it's Christmas in Heaven year round! I know he's having a wonderful time like he's never had before! And I am so happy for him. So even though he will be missed this Christmas, I couldn't wish him back!
Merry Christmas to all of you! And let's remember, it's about the cross!