... is a day I may never understand!
The phone ringing at 4:00 AM startles you awake so fast! Especially when you see the caller is your mother! I cannot even remember all the thoughts that ran through my mind, but in my "awaken out of sleep stupor" I answered the phone and the words I heard next turned my world upside down.
Hearing my mother at the other end, heart broken, sobbing and saying "I think Daddy died" sent my soul and body into shock and unbelief!
What? What do you mean? My dad? Are you sure!? All of these were questions that raced through our numb minds.
The next few hours were spent, scurrying to pack as fast as our shocked bodies would allow us, stopping every now and then to cry it out and finally at 8:00 we hit the road to Texas...a long 16 hour drive ahead. (I must say, that drive went by so fast.I think we didn't want to believe what happened but knowing what we were going to face made the time go by way to fast!)
All the way down I was wishing I would suddenly jerk awake, awake from a horrible dream, wishing I would wake up in my bed and heave a sigh of relief that it was only a dream! ...But it wasn't.
We arrived in Texas Saturday night, sometime after 11 PM. That night already found us collecting clothes to dress dad for the funeral. Exhausted, shocked and emotionally spent ,we finally drifted off for a few hours of sleep before we started all the funeral preparations!
I have never in my whole life realized how a death in the family can leave you so broken - physically, mentally and emotionally. It's like the life is completely drained out of you. What seemed so important at one time, suddenly holds no value! You wrestle and wonder if you will ever be able to enjoy life to the fullest again?
There will always be a hole where dad belongs. In my deepest heart of hearts I know God's grace is sufficient and He will see us through.
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Isaiah 43:2
This verse blessed me.
At the same time, there's times when I just want to wallow in fear and doubt. We could be angry.Sometimes we want to be angry! Sometimes I'd like to be able to ask God what he was thinking!? We still needed our dad!! We wanted him!!
But I know Dad would tell us "stay faithful." And that's what I want to do. I want to stay faithful to the One who holds our tomorrows.
I want to have a heart of compassion for people. I want to be concerned for peoples' destiny. I want to tell people about Jesus, just like my daddy did.
Daddy died young. But in his short 53 years he lived a life that was fulfilling and pleasing to his maker! I'm sure he has a crown with lots of jewels! He touched many lives. So many people were blessed by him.
Those we love don't go away,
they walk beside us everyday...
unseen,unheard, but always near,
still loved,still missed
and very dear.
We loved our daddy and he loved us. Him and mama had a relationship some people could only dream of. Not perfect, but full of love and respect for each other. Every day that it was possible they sat down after dad came home and drank coffee together...and chatted. I think those memories are so neat!
We gave them a hard time about their coffee "addiction." But it was good, very special that they had those times together!
Maybe later I will share some more of the things, that looking back on them seem God was preparing us ahead of time for life after dad's death.
For now we are missing our daddy/ husband/ Pa Pa. The dad that was so loving and kind to us.The husband that loved our mom! And the grandpa that loved to play with and spoil his grandchildren. We as a family were so blessed to have him a part of us...He will always be a part of us.
He left a good example for us to follow.
Today I want to go on. I want to accept the plan God has for me. I want God to use me in the midst of the pain and grief I face. I want to think of the hard days I face as "growing" days.Days where I grow to be more like Christ.I want to understand and accept that God has a reason for taking our dad so soon. My goal is to live my life for Christ. I want Him to shine through me.And if I'm faithful, I know that someday I will see my daddy again!
Here's a poem, not one my dad wrote but the words are words I can imagine him saying. And for his sake, I'm happy he's free.
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God has laid you see
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
to laugh,to love,to work, to play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that peace at the close of the day
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undo grief
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee
God wanted me now, He set me free.
We'll always love you Dad!