The Cross,Grief and Christmas in Heaven

I'm not gonna lie. This Christmas season has proven to be extremely difficult!
One night last week I finally fell apart! 
I was crying to Joel, telling him how frustrating it is to me that I don't feel the Christmas Spirit this year, how I was dreading to face Christmas without dad and everything else that looked so horrible to me that night.
I was stretched,with way more than my weak self wanted to handle.
And those are the nights when grief seems to hit hard!

For so long I'd been thinking about Christmas and how it's going to be without dad, but I was able to kind of push it to the back of my mind.Now here we were, two weeks away from it and it hit me full force that this Christmas is going to be so different!

I'm usually one who LOVES Christmas! I like to pack our weeks with making chocolates and going to local nativity scenes or driving through lights.
I'm about making traditions with the family.
And I know, Christmas isn't about chocolates and lights and passing out goody plates, but it's fun, it adds to the spirit of Christmas.
But this year, EVERYTHING I was doing was taking much,much more effort. I just couldn't handle the stress of even the simplest things! And I was not okay with that.

 To top it off, in the few weeks before that I just felt like God was so far away. Or...more like I was so far away from God.I prayed but it seemed my prayers didn't go far.I wanted so much just to feel His presence. So one day I just kind of told God where I was at. I don't remember my prayer exactly but I think I asked to feel His presence.

I need Him.I wanted Him.

And God came through, just like he always does.

That night while I was laying there in grief, I was looking at the door leading to the bathroom, and I saw a perfect cross. It's been there all along,and maybe I noticed it before, but not like I did that night! God touched my heart.That cross to me meant Jesus.God's presence.God was showing me that even though Christmas seems kind of unChristmasy this year, I can still have Christmas in my heart.

And Christmas really is about The Cross! About what Jesus did for us.

This Christmas I'm especially thankful that Jesus was born and that we can have eternal life because of the cross!

And as I think of dad spending Christmas in heaven, I just wonder what it will be like.I know his Christmas is going to be a Christmas like he's never had before! Really, I think it's Christmas in Heaven year round! I know he's having a wonderful time like he's never had before! And I am so happy for him. So even though he will be missed this Christmas, I couldn't wish him back!

Merry Christmas to all of you! And let's remember, it's about the cross!

The Baby is 2!

We don't like to skip a birthday celebration, because around here birthdays here are a celebration of life.

But holiday birthdays can be an even bigger challenge to pull off! Here in our house we have two holiday birthdays. Joel is a Christmas baby.Yes, he is that special! ;) And Madi's birthday falls right around Thanksgiving and occasionally on the day. 

This year Thanksgiving found us headed to Ohio to spend the holiday with the Mast side of the family. We are quite a crowd anymore.There is definitely no lack of noise and action, at least on the children's part! ;) ;) 

This is all 4o something of us.

But like I was saying, we had a birthday to celebrate.Madi's 2 year mark was coming up.So the day after Thanksgiving we threw a little party for her.

If there ever was a child that loved life and all it's goodness, it's our Madi. She is such a ball of energy and full of mischief, but so much fun and giggles all at the same time! 

She is a lover of anything sweet, you name it.If it has sugar, good chance she might take it. 

She also loves bananas and oranges and grapes.

You try to get her to eat soup and that can be almost an impossibility at times!

Candy is still her favorite!

One night at 2:00 AM, I found this cute,mischievous,ball of energy in the kitchen, standing on the counter trying to get into the candy jars on top the fridge (and yes, you read right, that was 2:00 AM!) 

She definitely doesn't leave us lacking for action!

She loves her daddy, the outdoors, the chickens and the cats.

Her big siblings are her heros. 

She runs to Hailey if she wants to be pitied :) It really is so cute.Hailey is like a second mommy to her. But Madi also takes advantage of that and demands that Hailey fix her blanket, or  holds her hand or tickle her feet! :) I think they will be best friends in a few years.

She also loves to pray! Almost every night she wants to "pay" (pray). She then squeezes her eyes shut and whispers a  prayer for "mommy,dayee (daddy),Haya (Hailey) ,Bax (Braxton),Me (herself) :) " and then ends it with a hearty "min"(amen).

We can't imagine life without this little girl.As busy as she keeps us, we are still very thankful for her presence in our life. 

Sometimes when I'm weary of all the busyness and lots of times naughtiness right along with it :),  the thought just crosses my mind that I am so thankful that she is a healthy little girl with the ability to get around the way she does, even though it drains every good thing right out of me at times! :)

So my dear Madi girl, may you always face life with such energy and spunk! Someday I know that will be of good use to you :) We love you dearly.

Hey Dad,

I miss you.

This morning I would love to call you.

I'd love to hear your voice.

I'd love to hear you give me advice! (imagine that! :) :) )

The unfairness of life suddenly hit me... really hard.

I'm thinking you would probably tell me that's just how life is.

Life isn't always fair.

But I would still just really want to hear you say that...in person.

I know the things we face in life are always for our good.

Even if we don't see it.

They better us.Eventually.If we let them.

I got to watch you "handle life."

I got to watch you walk through the unfair things.

Really,really unfair things.

You did it with such grace and humbleness.

 I know that you did it with God.

Your life proves to me that it's possible.

So,I'm going to keep trying.

I'm going to try to accept the the unfairness...with grace and humbleness,just like you did.

To be perfectly honest,there's days when I totally don't want to try.

There's days I want to be ugly.

Days like today.

But I'm going to reach out to God.

 That's what you did.

And it worked.

I love you dad.I love the example you set for us.

Hailey has been talking about visiting your grave.

Remember how I told you she was so bummed that we won't see you at Christmas?

Well,she's accepting the fact that we won't see you in person,but she's really excited about visiting your grave. She's mentioned it the last two days now.

I'm sure we'll put on some pretty flowers.Not that you were really a flower guy or anything like that :)

 But it's therapy.

Making your grave look nice.

 It's something we love to do.

Because you deserve it.

Anyway,that's all for now.

I'm gonna go try to be mature and quit my pity party... just

like you'd want me to do :) :) and realize that life isn't fair.It never will be.

I think of you often! When I look at the beautiful clouds.

And I just think about how you get to see God do all of these wonderful things,how he commands the rain,and the storms,and everything beautiful that happens down here.

And I'm so happy that you get to enjoy all of that beauty and love!

Love ya always!

Living in the Moment

We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch
As it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterdays gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Hold tight to the sound of the music of living
Happy sounds from the laughter of children at play
Hold my hand as we walk through the sweet fragrant meadows
Making memories of what was today.

Tiny voice that I hear is my little girl calling
For daddy to hear just what she has to say
My little boy running there by the hillside 
may never be quite like today.

Tender words,gentle touch and a good cup of coffee
And someone who loves me and wants me to stay
Hold them dear,while they're near and don't wait for tomorrow
To look back and wish for today.

Yesterdays gone and tomorrow may never come.But we have this moment,today.

Lately I have been feeling the need to slow down.To be present for the moment. 

I saw a quote the other day that said "wherever you are, be all there." 

Sometimes I am so guilty of only giving half of my attention to the person present with me. "mama,mama, answer me! I asked you three times already.mama?!" - Sound familiar?

Maybe I'm answering that text, or taking this call or maybe I'm checking facebook.Maybe it's balancing the checkbook or making the grocery list.I might be in the middle of getting supper on the table or wiping yet another spill.Or the house is upside down and it just has to be cleaned up...NOW.

Nothing wrong with any of those things and sometimes it really does have to be answered or cleaned now.

But God has been convicting me to get my priorities straight. To understand what needs to be done this minute and what on my list can actually wait.

Maybe that game of UNO with the children or the book that baby wants read to her NOW, or the neighbor that could use a little cheer,or the errand hubby really needs you to run, is more important and more kingdom worthy than a clean house or a supper served on time :)

Maybe you could say God is really convicting me. He's helping me see that in all of my "busy-ness" and stress I forget the really important things in life.

Sometimes I forget that I will never be able to live this day again. This minute,this second I will never get back.I may never live to see tomorrow.

When God convicts me I feel I need to take action. 

So here's to intentionally slowing down,kicking back and living in the moment.

I won't regret it.My family won't regret it.

God bless you all with a wonderful weekend!

Life

Life is not waiting for the storm to pass,

but learning to dance in the rain!

happy wednesday everyone!

(notice i didn't say happy humpday...oops, now i said it!)

Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

i'm sitting here. the house is quiet. the children are sleeping and i've been thinking of you so much!

the last few evenings i've missed you extra much. when I start thinking about how I can never pick up the phone and talk to you again...ever! it just sends a deep ache of missing you. i think of everything we won't get to do with you anymore.and it hurts.deeply.

i know you would have been thrilled to see braxton and his over the top excitement on entering first grade.he loves it.

every now and then he'll make a remark of something he can't tell you.

the other week he told me he wishes we could "die and go to heaven,die and go to heaven,die and go to heaven then come straight back down to earth."

what he was really saying is he would love to come see you but then he'd like to come right back.he loves his earthly life to much to think about staying in heaven forever :)

i knew you would get a kick out of that childish innocence.

hailey is growing into a real little lady. you should see her be a "mom" to madi.she loves madi! but she's pretty sure she doesn't want us to have another baby because then i'd have to take care of it.

she's scared of being deprived even more of her "mom time." :)

and she still talks about how we won't be able to see you at christmas. that was a big bummer to her because she was really excited about that!

it's a bummer to all of us!

and madi, well,for some reason i know without a doubt in my mind that you would sit back and laugh at how "harried" she makes me somedays!

she won't be left behind on anything.one moment she is so stinkin' sweet and the next moment...she's that stinkin' bad! :) aggressive is how someone described her. i'm pretty sure that fits her well.

yesterday out in that boat, we had to keep ahold of her.she would have got really close to taking a dive right into that lake!not much scares her.but one thing she doesn't like is height.

and yes, she still has her nippy! i know you teased me that 6 months was long enough for the "paci". but hey, you gotta do whatcha gotta do! :)

at the beginning of the year i chose "God is bigger than all my problems" as my theme song for the year, and you know dad...i had no idea!,i never even dreamt that God was gonna send us a "mountain" like he did.

losing you was such a blow.but like that song says, i know God is still bigger!

there is so much i would love to tell you.

i feel like i'm cheated.cheated of my time with you.and sometimes when i think of you,it hits me again.and i cry.i know crying is good.but it won't bring you back.i wish it would!

sometimes when me and joel are talking ,time and time again we say  "i just can't believe it!I can't believe he's gone"

it doesn't seem real.

the fact that your gone.

we loved you so much!

we miss you.we always will.joel says our life will never be the same.and i know that's true!

but i just want you to know that we will be ok. all of us. mom is being so strong and i'm so proud of her. she misses you dreadfully.but someday...someday i know we will see you again!

i know without a doubt in my mind that you are enjoying heaven to the absolute fullest! 

and i can't wish you back,because of the joy i know you are living.

i'll stop for now.i'll write to you again sometime.

i'll always love you!

~staci

The Days of Learning

The first day of school finally came. I had a son who was counting down the days.

Yes, we have a son who is in First Grade. As hard as this is for me to believe, it is a fact.
Our first born is old enough for first grade!

6 years ago this day seemed like a life time away.But it happened...just like that! The baby days are over for this boy :) 

He's had a great first two weeks. He loves learning, this boy of mine. It's exciting for me to see him catch on to stuff :) 

He's in first grade with 4 other boys. I can't imagine the riot their teacher faces day after day. A good riot I might add. A funny riot. A wild,full of life riot.

And she's the perfect teacher for a class like this.Patient,kind,fun.Experiments and projects of every kind.

Everyone of the 5 boys had a camo themed back pack.They're a cute bunch! :)

Here's to hoping for a wonderful first year of school for our first born!

May I be a mother that stands beside him in the hard times, encourages him on in the new things and never,ever lets him give up.

             

I love you Braxton!